BULLYING is something we parents tend to think ‘other’ kids do, not our kid. It was very interesting to read the ‘How parents encourage bullying in their own children’ section of the ‘Combating Bullying’ excerpted from Jay McGraw’s book, Life Strategies for Dealing with Bullies . There are 7 bullet points in that section and I’m sure I did at least 5 of them (!) when my son was a child. It is quite a good thing that I slowly eliminated these errors once I was made aware of them!

As I read over this list: the definition, warning signs, how parents encourage it, the list of Dos and Don’ts, I felt there were a couple of things missing. The first thing has to do with what attract bullies in the first place and the second, a kind of Catch 22 or reverse Murphy’s Law aspect of things. I feel these two perspective are very important to avoiding and/or nipping the bully problem!

A little bit further in this blog I have the ‘Combating Bullying’… points Sharon Tom of Ohana Resource Group shared with us and feel free to view the entire Save Your Breath TV Show Episode 5 of which she is my guest! Here’s the 1-minute promo video :

First, the attracting of bullies is near the root of the problem. I think we can all agree that if bullies are not attracted to you, there is no problem. So, let’s get to the root of the problem.

The root of the problem is what the child (or any person for that matter) is feeling about themselves. Certain levels of confidence are needed to predominate bully energy. Confidence is instilled in the home. Frequent conversations centered around building the child (or person’s) self-esteem and confidence from a few different perspectives is key.

The second thing, which is a kind of Catch 22 or Murphy’s Law combo (I’m sure there’s a word for this), is to have your child (or the person) engage in martial arts sports or weight training exercises. This has the triple effect of building their confidence, building their physical skill and, the paradox is, bullies are not energetically attracted to them. It’s the old adage of once you prepare for a problem, it suddenly doesn’t exist anymore. One of my most favorite saying is “Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.” ~ Anonymous.

The bully isn’t really there or rather, the bully is there because of some fear the child (or person) has within. A fear that has nothing to do with the bully or who the bully is. Once whatever THAT is is addressed, bullies become a thing of the past.

It’s curious to me though, that when we become adults, we change the name of ‘bully’ to various four to seven letter words! Seems to me, bullies are a constant as we progress through life. We just change what we call them. The ones on adult life are handled in the same way as I describe in ‘First thing…’ and ‘second thing’ above. Are you seeing what I’m getting at here?

SO! What do we need to do here? Since bullies are (or can be) a part of the ongoing life saga, we need to incorporate the ‘bully’ conversation into our general conversations with our children. Sort of like ‘the sex talk’ but much earlier and often… with finesse. We can sort of talk around it and through it and sometimes point right to it. (Hey! That rhymes!) Anyway…..

Weren’t we all bullied as children at some point in our lives? Like a rite of passage? Our children should not be running into this problem ‘by accident’. It’s NOT NEW!!! I remember being bullied as a little girl. I had this habit of tattling on the other kids to the adults, wanting to be a goody two-shoes and curry the favor of the adults. I liked adults. They gave me snacks.

One day the kids, got wind of who was tattling and started picking on me. I decided to tell on THAT too! Well, the next thing I know, I’m running to lock myself into the car where they couldn’t get at me! I was safe! You should have seen them, circling like lions. Cajoling me. Telling me to unlock the door, they wouldn’t hurt me. HA! I was born yesterday! I was born the week before!

Share your bully stories and experiences with your children. This is part of the ‘confidence building’ and ‘frequent finessed conversations’ I mentioned earlier. Doing this will shine a light in their minds that helps them be aware and savvy and avoid certain energy in themselves that would attract bullies. You could talk about that also.

You could even tell them of a bully you’ve contended with as an adult or one you’re dealing with now. I’ve been bullied as an adult. I remember distinctly that it was by a few of my business colleagues. I had come into the business before them and had been taught by my upline that ‘we are all leaders’ to the people we bring on board into the company.

Well, as I was asserting myself as the leader of these women I had brought onboard to the company, they rebelled and I was too green to explain to them that I was their leader by way of the company’s training that’s aimed at growing confidence in their new green hires and that they were leaders as well when they bring someone on.

Let me tell you, not only did they have me in tears at a restaurant but I had a woman in rank above us that made a point of chastising me for the very same thing in her office and IN FRONT OF MY BEST NEW HIRE!!! I was in tears again!!! It’s as if she didn’t have the SAME training before me!!! It is only recently that I figured out that some sort of jealousy was in play with the so-called superior colleague and just a plain old superiority complex of my new hires. Both of them ranked higher than me in the professional standing in their prior occupations.

My confidence issues were in play in all three of the bullying situations I described above. I, no doubt, still have some lack of confidence somewhere. It’s easier for me to spot these days. Clearing as I go. You, no doubt, have the same. As we gain confidence in one aspect of our lives to another, many issues fall away. Bullies are part of those issues! Let’s let our kids know! Let’s come out of the closet with it, as they say.

Well, here is the section of Jay McGraw’s book that Sharon sent over. Read it carefully, incorporate what I’ve said above (if you see fit) and let’s give our kids a heads up!!!

COMBATING BULLYING

Bullying is:

• Intentional, aggressive behavior
• Imbalance of power
• Repeated over time
• Physical, verbal intimidation
• Exclusion
• Cyber harassment

Warning signs that your child may be the victim of bullying:

• Makes up excuses not to go to school
• Is often angry, sad or depressed, withdrawn, self-loathing and emotionally erratic
• Frequently hurt by a particular person or group of people
• Frequently picked on in the presence of other people
• Mistakes are turned into a big deal by someone
• Belongings are often stolen or taken
• Always being confronted with lies/rumors

How parents encourage bullying in their own children:

• Exercise absolute control over child
• Threaten the child with spankings or other violence
• Attempt to humiliate or embarrass the child as a way to punish them
• Rule by fear
• Push competition and contest too much
• Teach their child that mistakes are unacceptable
• Tell their child what to say, do or think

If your child is being picked on by a bully, sit down with him or her and go over this list of Do’s and Don’ts to keep them safe:

• Don’t get into a fistfight with a bully or try to retaliate in other ways.
• Don’t believe the insults about you.
• Don’t overestimate how much power a bully has over you.
• Don’t think that bullying will stop if you ignore it.
• Don’t waste time in places online where bullies target you.
• Don’t be afraid to think of new ways to solve the conflict.
• Don’t believe you deserve to be picked on.
• Do get real about bullying and how it makes you feel.
• Do get angry, but keep anger under control.
• Do write down how you feel.
• Do learn to say and believe good things about yourself.
• Do speak confidently when telling a bully not to physically touch you.
• Do work on developing at least one good relationship with a classmate, neighbor and/or older child.
• Do walk or run away if a bully tries to hurt you.

*Jay McGraw’s Life Strategies for Dealing with Bullies , ISBN-10:1416974733