Do you suffer from parenting guilt because your offspring turned out to be ‘a bad guy’? Do you have contempt for YOUR parents?

Heart problems often start once the kids are grown. Well here we are in a brand new half-year with a brand new start. I’ve taken a bit of time out to assess my objectives and I’ve come away with a startling conclusion. I feel like a fraud.

I have to say it. My so-called advice and wisdom on parenting comes with more than a little regret. My own Son, who is now 30+, alternately seeks my advice and counsel or holds me in contempt. I’ve had to take the time to sort this out. Here it is:

For those of you who have minors still, just know that when they grow up, they become who THEY are. It will be tempting to blame yourself for their perceived shortcomings. BANISH the thought!!!

Per the American Psychological Association: “Researchers may never be able to put a number on how big an influence parents have on their children, says Loyola University’s Fred Morrison, PhD, who studies the influence of parenting on school achievement. In terms of academics, some recent studies suggest that 50 percent of the variation between high-and low-functioning children results from influences that occur before children enter school. But even the half that results from influences after children start school may be mediated by family factors. For example, Morrison and his colleagues find that social skills, including a child’s ability to sit still and concentrate, have an effect on academic performance. “All of these things are intertwined,” says Morrison. “And parenting adds up to a lifestyle that funnels into the language, general knowledge, reading and math skills that children start school with.” Meanwhile, none of the arguments or studies by developmental psychologists dissuades Judith Rich Harris from her view that “genes and outside-the-home environment have a greater influence than parents on children’s personality development”.

I prefer to think of our influence and the environment we provide as parents as being up to about 70-80%. It’s an intuitive thing I have that informs that opinion, not science, as far as I have been able to find, Yet!

For all of the molding and building we do as parents, the fact remains that we are merely the ushers, the conduits of the future as our parents were for us. How deeply do we blame our parents for our shortcomings? How much love for our parents is sacrificed because of our upbringing, THEIR lack of wisdom?

In the final analysis, how much of who we are today is really THEIR (our parents’) fault? Do we as adults take responsibility for our lives or do we still, like whiney teenagers, hold our parents in contempt for all that they were able and unable to do for us?

Why do we let this stuff run us? These phantom fingers of pain and guilt are nothing more than the mind noise we allow to sap our love. There are so many other, better things to do with our time and energy: there’s money to be made, homeless families to help find food and shelter, animal rescue operations with which to volunteer, save the planet and trees operations, local church drives of various sorts. The list is nearly endless! Key word here – ‘allowing’ it to sap our energy. Remember: You are still the boss of you!

I know, I know. You like wallowing in that ‘love’ thang but once our offspring are adults, we need to take our ‘separation exercises’ seriously. We need to inject Joy into our activities by remembering what we loved to do before child or what we’ve always dreamed of doing but never had the time. Make the time for it Now!

How do we save ourselves from ourselves? My favorite means is meditation. Yes, there are a thousand ways to do it. The point for me is to have that silent communion with The On High. Why else bother? Do you have a favorite means for communing with The On High?

To do this, I sit comfortably in a quiet place, back straight but balanced so there’s no tension in my back muscles. I often use earplugs in to block outside noise and my eyes closed. I go to silence within about 5 to 10 minutes, sooner if I’m already pretty relaxed and I hold silence for at last as long as it took me to get there!

People new to meditation normally take longer to get to silence. Make it easy on yourself and start with just 5 minutes at a time. You’ll build your length of time through practice, as you would a muscle. When you build into 15 minutes of silence, your golden. Any length of time past that is gravy.

Yoga is meditation that incorporates exercise! Perhaps this is your cup of tea. Again, there are many types. It’s just a matter of finding the one(s) for You! Some martial arts have the same type of consciousness bent with more intense exercise. At my age though, I think I’ll damage myself if I engage one of those… OR you can do none of the above!

Meditation, per se, is not necessary when you recognize you are already in constant communication with The On High aka God and operate on a moment to moment basis with that understanding. Meditation comes into play when you find there is too much noise in your head blocking this ‘direct’ silent communication. THEN you (I) need to engage meditation to enlarge the silent spaces in your (my) mind for throughout the day. You get my meaning here? Is this the way you understand it?

Heaven forbid you have boomerang offspring (adult offspring living with you) or are suffering from empty nest syndrome (you’re grieving your adult offspring having left home)! Hopefully you’re not having to deal with a lot of lip and attitude if that’s the case. That would definitely be adding insult to injury, so to speak.

Can you get any comfort or insight from your experience at that age with YOUR parents? It sometimes helps to pull that memory up and be as honest as you can about what was happening then. Are there any solutions you can glean from that memory? It can be quite amusing to remember our attitudes from back then. It can be even more insightful to remember our parents’! What did they do right that you can use? What did they do wrong? Do you want to use it?

All in all, I say we need to guard our health through all this. The pre-mature aging thing is getting a bit ridiculous. Let halt that ugly soldier in it’s path. There are way too many of us wearing our stress on our faces! The good thing is, if we can see it, we can make haste to do something about it. The bad thing is, many of us think that look is normal. It ain’t.

Do as Elsa in ‘Frozen’ says, “Let it go…oooooo.” Peace of mind is an option and a choice. Choose it. It may seem glib in the face of what you’re going through but I assure you. It can be done. If you need help with that, let’s see if I can help you! Learn how to let it roll off of you like rain on a duck’s back. And if it’s more like a storm rather than rain, please do go within. Come within, out of the storm. You are not alone.

Let’s get over ourselves. Our parents were not perfect nor were theirs. Maturity dictates that we don’t blame the angels for God’s work. The beauty of life is that we are able to expand in ALL directions once we reach adulthood. The trick is getting to adulthood! Some don’t make it. Don’t blame yourself! Let’s love our humanity, our parenting, warts and all. Tote that barge! Lift that bale! Turn that kid’s cell phone off!

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We are placed here on earth to have fun. Somewhere through the generations, we lost sight of that or completely forgot it!!! Bring that BACK to the front of your mind. Dance with that idea. Revisit your 20s if you think that will help. Our hearts are ours. We must protect it!

Let’s forgo heart problems.

Heart Problems from ‘Once the kids are grown’.