Are You Suffering From a Broken Heart?

by Planetlink | Oct 2, 2021 | Uncategorized

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We come here to this planet with the most innocent of intensions, to live life to the fullest, to have joy, laughter, love and creativity at every turn.

Can you remember?  Reflect now on it… How far back can you go?

How do I know this? I remember springing out of bed at 3 years old, excited about the day and what it could possibly bring. How far back can you remember?

Here’s the problem… We projected that ‘joy expectation’ on our love relationships with men… or others… and it was not reciprocated. This was and is painful and a pain we carry with us. Are you suffering from a broken heart?

Romantic relationship after romantic relationship we thrashed and floundered. We did this because we wanted the joy to go on… Joy is our central feeling endeavor, our default anticipated feeling.

However, the misplacement of so much of our attention and affection on others to the exclusion of ourselves is the root of our pain. We can see it over and over again when we revisit and think about the experience we had with our former lovers.

Centering your affection on yourself and honoring the fact that you are enough and you are the true cause of your Joy, alleviates any deep disappointment in the behavior of others.

Going into relationships ‘being able to handle disappointment’ beforehand saves us.

I could see in my own Mother the heartbreak she experienced when my (sperm-donor) father choose the other girl he’d gotten pregnant over her. Her heart broke every time she looked at me because I looked just like him! Can you imagine?

Of course you can. You’re possibly having the very same experience with your offspring. When you look at them does your heart sink a little bit because they look like their father… that you’re no longer with or with whom you are emotionally distant?

I repeated the pattern of heartbreak in my own life. With every guy I met that I liked I’d wonder ‘Are you the one?’ I didn’t get pregnant but my heart broke every time he wasn’t. More of the attention I was giving then truly needed to be directed at myself.

When I left my son’s father I was depressed for a long time. I had been fed the ‘happily ever after’ fairytale story so many times by the time I was a teenager the expectation of receiving the fairytale for myself was the only option I considered possible for gaining true happiness.

My meditation practice saved me again as it had so many times before. I turned to my art practice, painting and clung to the love I had for my little boy.

At this juncture in life, I see it was all driven by hormones. It was quite a relief to have those hormones slough off. It left me feeling refreshed.

Had you and I known we are enough in advance… in our 20s, 30s & 40s, we would have saved ourselves a lot of heartbreak and been much further down the road in Joy. I invite you now to tune into yourself, to appreciate all you’ve gone through and cherish the exquisite creature that you are. When you tune in you’ll find it wasn’t all in vain, you’re all the richer for it and you’ll never abandon yourself again.

Stressed? Hit a Wall? Have You Stopped Long Enough to Refresh?

by Rowena Starling | Oct 22, 2018 | Uncategorized

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” ~ Sydney J. Harris

Have you ever hit a wall in your activities, in your harried parenting and work-life schedules?

This past nine months has dictated that I reflect.  It was precipitated by a friend of mine saying (when I told of all my grand plans to schedule multiple group meetings over the summer), “People aren’t around during the summer.”  At the moment I heard that, I was deflated.  I was exhausted, I hit a wall.

The freeways and grocery store lines didn’t attest to that statement.  My reaction to it was really all about what was going on with me at the time; too much work, overscheduling and late nights.

That statement gave me tacit permission to ‘not be around…’.  I took the time to look at the activity I created over the last couple of years and evaluated what really matters, in a prolonged focused way.  When was the last time you did this?

I had worked myself into a grease spot that was slowly evaporating.  Know what I mean?  I gained many extra pounds from working until the wee hours of the morning, rarely stopping to exercise.

This period of reflection employed quite a lot of meditation.  I gazed upon the different aspects of my life.  Parenting folded into view and I was able to see… my son (now 33yo) can’t possibly understand me.

I have a significant head start in years on him!  I needed to stop my unreasonable expectations of his thought processes.  The parenting perspective needs to always consider and be mindful of the offspring perspective!

Do you need to stop expecting your offspring to fully understand where you’re coming from?  We all have a certain amount of nearsightedness when it comes to our parents and trying (or not) to understand their perspectives, my son to mine, mine to my parents, your offspring to you and so on.

I saw that I needed to reclaim my sovereignty (such as it is).  Many ‘parents of adults’, in particular, need to reclaim their sovereignty, their supreme power over THEMSELVES.  Step back and remember your most powerful self before parenthood.  Have you done this?  Who were you?

What would it take to get back there again?  Engage meditation or whatever is your instrument of introspection and remember.  Reach back and drag that most powerful you forward into now. 

Embrace this you.  Take many moments to cherish and appreciate this you.  Re-embody this you as you heap on your current wisdom.  Leave out the controlling, clingy and guilt-ridden parent you.

Now.  Don’t you feel better?  I’m refreshed and re-evaluating.  Are you?  What would it take for you to stop long enough to give yourself and your family the treasure mined from the relief gained from introspection and meditation?

When you’ve engaged your mind this way, peaceful solutions begin to occur to you.  Some solutions simply happen without your having to do anything.  Isn’t that a much better quality of life?

• A 1% annual reduction in the level of four health risks—weight, blood pressure, glucose, and cholesterol—has been shown to save $83 to $103 annually in medical costs per person. (for employers) ~ Center for Disease Control, 2016

How are YOU doing with your stresses?  Have you stopped long enough to reflect on possible solutions to your issues?  Do you feel you can’t afford to do that?

Sleeping less than four hours a night, according to the research, was the equivalent of aging your brain almost nine years. ~ Western University Brain & Mind Institute

Can you afford NOT to engage solution options?  Our minds tell us reasons like “money and time are tight”.  ‘Money’ and ‘time’ are man-made constructs that we’ve bought into and need to put on hold when they begin to intrude on our and our family’s health and happiness.

How do you put time and money (these man-made constructs) on hold?  The best things in Life are free.  When you meditate (which is free), you enter the timeless realm where everything is possible.  When everything is possible, money becomes ‘possible’.

80% of premature heart disease and strokes are preventable. ~ The Center for Disease Control, 2016

To put time and money before our health and happiness is the same as putting the cart before the horse, the tail wagging the dog, running before you can walk…  you fall on your face, hit a wall and become stressed, sick and unhappy.  When one is sick, they are often unhappy.  If you are unhappy, sickness is forming or already happening.   

There are a myriad of issues in parenting that have a kaleidoscope of solutions.  At the heart of all of these issues and solutions is the ever-abiding presence of peace. 

Peace is central.  It’s a by-product of meditation.  Peace garners patience, no matter what the parenting/personal challenge is.  Our offspring are here to have us master patience in a deeply loving way.

Fear is the underpinning of impatience.  It stands to reason that the elimination of fear opens different views into the kaleidoscope of solutions… many solutions give relief to you even if you’re not a weary stressed parent (like me that hit a wall this year).

I invite you to eliminate your fears.  Fear is the soul-crusher.  Look to see what your fears are.  There may be quite a list.

There are obvious fears, subtle fears and subconscious fears.  All of them can be released.  The best part is you don’t need to name it to release it.

For instance, my subtle fear was that my son didn’t like me.  When it became obvious that he didn’t, I was deeply hurt.  After all that I had done for him (most of which he couldn’t possibly know), how could he not like me?

The parenting perspective needs to always consider and be mindful of the offspring perspective.  When you disagree or find yourself in an argument with them (or anyone), put yourself in the offspring’s (or other person’s) shoes.  It can be a stretch sometimes but if you see the event as ‘happening to you’, it can temper your response in a way that leads to desired outcomes.

Here’s a fun exercise:  Put yourself in the shoes of everyone you encounter today (or whenever you’re out).  The split second that you do that will immediately put you in a state of peace… because at that level of awareness you are engaging empathy.

The first thing you’ll recognize is you cannot know what that person has gone through that day or past days.  Next, all you’ll need to do is give a feeling of understanding.  They don’t need to know you’re doing it.  If you have a kind word, share it.  Then, notice how you feel.

In meditation and reflection, I realized my subconscious fear was that I’d lose my son forever.  Guess what?  This was a fear that I had to let go.  Losing him forever is a very real possibility in this physical realm.  It’s life.

It rendered me clingy and you know what happens when someone is clingy…  It brings about the very thing you fear.  So, if it’s to be, why help it materialize?  Why eat your health with this fear?  You have to ‘refresh’.  Hit the reset button.

Another example… you, who are the parents of adults, who have guilt over the way you treated your offspring when your offspring were children, same fear as mine.  What are you to do about it NOW?

A solution: Enter that place in meditation where there is no time, money is not needed and all things are possible.  Awash yourself in the Quiet of this place.  Let your ‘possible’ happen. 

I thank God I’ve gathered many coping tools over the last 40 years that hack away at the ever-present stresses I (and many other parents) encounter daily.  As I stared blankly at my son bouncing off the walls when he was a preschooler, I wondered why the whole issue of parenthood was not the ‘breaking news’ at 6 o’clock EVERY DAY on television!  Seriously, did you ever wonder about that?

Some fears are subconscious and cannot be readily identified.  All you may know is that you are triggered by certain behaviors and find yourself snapping at your offspring often or for minor things.  Do enough of this and it will make you sick. (See the statistics above.)

But I digress…  Are you trying to ignore the wall you’ve hit?  You know… continuing to slog through without the stop and reflection.  Are you putting a band-aid of pills, alcohol, drugs or ‘neglect of family’ on your brain for now and saving real solutions for ‘when you get time’?

Please stop.  You are deeply loved.  I want the best for you.  What is the best for you?  Use the meditation suggestions above.  Meditation is the single most powerful thing you can do for yourself and your family.

If you need help eliminating your fears (among other things), I’m here for you.